i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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