Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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