The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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