I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Only a mothe r could love this liver
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
