even my farts smell like vagina
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
