she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
