Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
