Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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