apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
lets start a swedish sibling band together
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
