I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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