:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
