Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
