the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
