the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
