you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
