My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
