i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
