Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
