god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
