You're completely useless in the revolution.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
