My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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