i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
