I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
