Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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