Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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