throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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