P.S. I can't hear my feet
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
