On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
