I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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