She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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