Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I would ride that face into the sunset
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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