fuck your aforementioned shoe
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
