Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
