omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
