he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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