see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
