yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
