There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
