I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
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I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
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oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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