Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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