He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
