My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
