I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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