i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
