this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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