I feel great
I just peed on a car
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
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Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
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Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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