He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
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I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
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The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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