I just pynch a tree in the face
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
