I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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