Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
