so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
You work out of a Hotel?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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