And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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